Highways~

It's fitting that currently I'm feeling the angst of reflection, choices made, choices not made and the directions it's caused me to stumble as its that time of year: fall. Ok that is only part of the reason, it doesn't help that it's that time of year when all Jews ponder how they can become better, even at peace.

Once again it is not likely that peace is hovering over my door, ready to bounce in at a moments notice, waiting for my mind to clear of all that is troubling.  Not that life is not joyful and a daily blessing but damn, it's fucking hard.

While kvetching with a friend this evening, reviewing our life's decisions, good, bad, and down right dumb, she asked the age old question of all people who strive for zen;
"Can't we just stand in the field of flowers and be thankful for all we have, all we've done, the ones we've loved? "  after contemplating this for a time I realized:  NO we can't.   How the hell do you stand in the flowery field of life when you're worried that the beautiful pond under that amazing tree is probably infested with Mosquitoes, which will more than likely give you West Nile.  Then there's the realization as you approach said pond to make sure the water isn't stagnant like various times in life, that you're very likely to be bitten by the snake that is having a beverage after sunning himself on that comfy rock you were considering resting on while you reflect upon how lovely this field of flowers is.  
Come on, there's a reason life is fear based for some of us.  No, not that what might jump out at me now fear (but yes, I am one of those too), but that where am I?  Who am I?  Who will love me when I'm old?  For that matter will I have to worry about the dozen cats I'll more than likely have, eating me?

The level of comfort one feels as they literally drive down the highway that they have previously driven the opposite direction on,  to their past destinations, to see the sparkling blue pacific long enough to freak out, turn around, and drive 2000 miles back to the beginning, to then wake up the next day, and go back yet again to the land of the size 0s and double D's only to discover its not that bad, that level of comfort can be some what discerning.
The desire to mull that over, that, comes with fear.  Maybe knowing that it comes with fear is what helps you accomplish the current journey you're on, without going postal on your fellow drivers somewhere between Nashville and Memphis.   Or perhaps it's that fear that helps you push on.

All we do know is that this fear, it's a learned process and it comes with time, loss and betrayal. The questions that come with finding out your loved one strayed, the longing to know why and is he more dubious because he chose a married woman?  Does this answer ones questions about how he feels about the institution of marriage, or for that matter a life with another.

This fear, it developed with the haunting of what might have been.  The people lost by ones choice, and the ones gone by their own actions.  Either way, it's rejection and with that comes pain, and pain equals fear.

Everything is compounded by time, the wonderful time that either guides you to that lovely pond, you know the one.  Yes, the pond where you see your reflection and the beauty of life in the character of your face as the swarm of mosquitoes come in and eats you alive.